Let me be;Dammit.

At times, it scares me on how much I struggle for freedom.

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 04:28:12 GMT

How much I wanted it.

Definition of the word freedom is one of those that could not be defined by thesaurus.. or dictionary alike. It is one of those which are so subjective.

Mine would be, swimming naked in the vast ocean.

As simple as that may sound, it actually depicts a lot of things. It means, I need courage to do things I have always wanted to do. It means, I need confidence to face things that could go wrong when I did it, the consequences. It means, I must be comfortable being in my own skin, being myself.

And when people say just do it, I could not help to just smile and thinking how foolish they are, not knowing what it could have meant to me. And how foolish I am, to have to wait. For what? The perfect moment? The perfect day? I always end up answering that I am not ready.

When I could never be ready.

Every moment, when I do what people tell me to do, it struck me, on how much I wanted that freedom. Just to not to give a fuck about anyone at all and do whatever I want.

It sounds childish.

And it's also something that would never happen.

Cause that's just the way things go. That's just how life is.

But, I will definitely, get there.

Today was so weird.

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 12:24:32 GMT

The minute I�m fucking pissed.

I got a lovely email. :)

And there you go, I�m a happy puppy.

The minute I�m fucking contented.

I got a pile of bullshit from some people whom I swear don�t fucking matters � which makes it even worse.

And there you go, I�m an active volcano, anticipating my next eruption.

I didn�t have the chance to be genuinely happy.

And I didn�t have the chance to be genuinely upset.

But like in most fairy tales, good wins evil.

So I am smiling writing this.

Europe Note #3

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 05:27:02 GMT

Idiosyncrasies � that I will never get.

Asking "Boleh?" after certain statements, that completely do not need any validation / agreement. It's even worse when I translate it into English.

"Today was a long day, I started work at 830am and now it's almost seven I am still in the office. OK?"

Like� whaaaaat to fricking OK about?

When people wink on occasion that suppose to make me feel better.

"Hey, you look so stress today. But don't be!" *wink

Wtf?

And some just find it amusing to mock fags' intonation, words, body language� it's even worse when the guys are doing it.

Whatever. Don't even let me start on this one.

//Shoving a handful of M&M's into the mouth. HAPPY FOOD!! HAPPY FOOD!!

and that means, alot of things. Now that I remember the feeling, it's sad.

p.s. Ain, the handwriting will only gets worse. haha

Europe Note #2

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 14:23:01 GMT

I watched the movie; This Is It today. And I think I was the only one that would wanna give a standing ovation after the movie.

Just by watching the rehearsal and the footage made me wanna scream out loud and cheering and clapping and jumping... grooving to the beat. Can't imagine what the full concert would do to me. Had to hold myself together to not to freak out and cried - haha Intan would know!

It's too inspiring. And it's too regretful that I didn't get to watch it, live.

He really is a legend. :)

A question that every now and then comes to me lately is "What's extraordinary / unusual about you?"

And sadly, I couldn't answer it. I couldn't even remember what kinda crap I pulled the last time I COULD answer it - which must be a long, long, long time ago. I end up skipping the question or just delete it.

What's so special about us? If you really think about it. We, simply, aren't.

I know how famous I am with my insecurities. But this is really not about the lack of confidence. People might be different from one another. But definitely not "more special" than one another. Which makes me on a constant drive to do something new, different and be bold about making a decision to do things that I wanna do. Things that I have been dreaming to do.

But I'm always back to square one; there are thousands if not millions of people out there who had most prolly done what I thought was different.

People are all the same. :)

Nope, I am not inspired to be a thief though.

The notes are getting more personal as the trip went on. I tried to find "publish-able" parts... that's when I noticed, I am a private person after all.

This is starting to scare me.

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:43:14 GMT

Earlier this evening, I have this one thought;

"I'd better go back home (and have a good rest, as tomorrow is gonna be another long day) rather than hanging out with him."

And I obey it.

Omg.

I can feel my social life is "fading", bit by bit.

This really freaks me out.

p.s. Careful with what you say (esp when you repeat it again and again and again), cause it will come true.

Europe Note #1

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 19:43:17 GMT

I missed being in a team, all sweaty and talking trash.

Aihh... the good old sweet days. I was so used to being with a group of people, wherever, whenever. Even if I feel lost, I am lost with this bunch of good... comrades?

It was the loveliest feeling.

As I grew older, I think it happened almost naturally too, the comfort cushion, that usually protects me from any harm, or pain, thinning. Nowadays, I experience the blow, harder than usual. And harder each time too. It toughens me in some way, also breaks me in some way. This is when my dad would say, "That's Life."

Haha right.

People move on with their life, no doubt about it. Some choose not to. But secretly, they actually do, just that their heart is playing tricks on them. So they can be called human. :)

I have been trying to catch up with reality, almost three weeks now, and still struggling � with work, with relationships, with energy, with muscle aches, with confidence. Oh my, this time the blow is harder than usual! I hope it'll only get better!

(Thanks to dearest friends who NEVER think that I just talk alot of crap. Haha)

The first �culture shock� I got was not the weather. It was the food.

It�s four days now since I�m back. And I manage to check almost all the items for my first 5 things I wanna do!

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 18:39:17 GMT

Two things I hate about the aftermath of a (good) long holiday are that I'd dread the snap-back-to-reality moment and to have to write post(s) about it. I really do. Haha

During the trip, I have this notebook which I scribbled on alot, especially when I am alone, pouring my heart in it. Although it's impossible to record everything in the book, but I think it has enough details about abit of everything during the trip. It keeps me company. So maybe one of these days I'd post snap shots of what I wrote here. It's gonna be ugly tho...

I mean the handwriting.

p.s. yes, yes, pictures and videos coming up on FB!

And so, I will be back in two days time!

Tue, 06 Oct 2009 00:51:52 GMT

The first thing I am gonna do when I got back is OBVIOUSLY meet my family!! Had no idea I could miss them this much. It felt like homesick-at-Jasin all over again. It was baddd. Haha

The second thing would be driving! I know this sound mad, but if only you know how much walking I had done here � have a blister in the size of a 50 cents coin under each feet! Apparently, European definition of "walking distance" is a 30 minute fast-paced walk. YEAH, FUCK THAT. Haha no kidding man. No wonder they have nice, sexy legs! Imagine the walking they do! ;D

The third thing would be I want a McD meal. I want HUGEEEEEEEEE BEEF burger! And all the other food I am not having here! Cant even stomach a simple tuna sandwich in Paris. Fancy goat's cheese anyone??

The fourth thing would be, I wanna go to fucking swim!!!!!!! I wanna swim, I wanna swim, I wanna swim!! It's crazy here, FALL IS LOVELY but the water temperature drives me mad. Haha I WANNA SWIM. I feel like "itik kering" here!! Dyingggg slowly, dyingggg.

And the fifth, I wanna meet my angels. All of my friends that had miss me as much as I have missed them. Weh, seriously. :)

There you go, the FIRST five things! xxx

(500) Days of Summer

Mon, 28 Sep 2009 22:49:54 GMT

"It's a story about a boy meets girl, the boy fell in love, the girl doesn't. It's not a love story, it's a story about love."

I saw this movie last night with Syah, here in Dublin, and it was a disturbingly good movie, telling the disturbing truth.

I cant stop thinking about it even when I strolled around the park near the apartment today. I cant stop thinking about how sucks it must have felt like to have your feelings, dreams, hopes crushed.

When it's no one's fault, things just happened.

I rarely talk about love. It is one of the things that I just keep within myself. Sometimes, I do believe in love... it'll happen, blah3. But sometimes I really do think it's crap. So is fate. If two people wanna be together, they should. And that's it.

But apparently, life is never that easy. Which I don't freaking get why.

It's when you need some other people to tell you that, the one you thought is the one, is not.

it's coldddddddddddddddd up north!

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 13:31:25 GMT

hola peeps. been abit busy these days, i guess i wont be able to update as much as i wanna. i somtimes, update my FB whenever i get the chance to. so far the trip went well, tired like hell but i guess that's a small price to pay. cant wait to update you guys with the pics and the VIDEO. haha

of course, lotsa things hap. almost stole an orange juice, being labeled drunk harhar, sexual harassment (??!!!), laughing so hard that i have a sore throat now..... or wassit because it rained at Coldplay concert at Wembley, not sure!

as we are moving north the weather gets (a lil) rubbish. but it's all good. the cold AND THE WIND is not forgiving!!

to my family, i miss you guys, esp my mom's dishes. yes, my mom dishes is actually a member of my family LOLLOL

to intan, i so fuckign wish you re here.

it's impossible to name everyone in this small space. but yea i do wish all of you HAPPY EID, MAAF ZAHIR BATIN :))))))))))))

lovelovelovelovelove,
raje.